The Original Ukulele Hate Blog Dedicated to the Destruction of all of those ugly little instruments

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Flea Market: A Site Appropriately Named


That mutual acquaintance is coming in handy. Seems the uke community is always there to stab a drummer in the back with their diminutive instruments.

It was brought to my attention that this little website, FleaMarketMusic.com, actually dared to speak my name, RivDrumDave, within its koa-stained walls. Well for once, something ukulele related is aptly named. Fleas are the most annoying of creatures. They bite you and by the time you know it, it is too late to do anthing about it, like spray for the flea or something.

Ukuleles are kind of like that too: you want to spray for them, but by the time they bite you it is too late. Perhaps I can get a special collar or something.

Anyhoo, this guy to the left is the purported owner of the site. I wish I could tell you that in this picture he is collecting the remaining ukuleles in the world so that he can burn them all, but alas, it appears he is more of the collector type. He has so many ukuleles he can wield them on any unsuspecting percussionist at any given time.

Yeah, that scares me too.

Well, as I perused the site, I noticed that there are some more ukuleles that are kind of like the tupperware ones below. Check out the picture of the purple ukulele to the right. Boy is that a sorry sight for eyes that don't want to ever look upon this evil instrument. There was even one with flames on it, symbolizing the idea that all ukuleles should probably be burned. These plastic creations look like they'd wither away if they were too close to a camp fire.

Apparently, they're called a "Fluke" which is yet another apt name. It probably describes how it was invented. If ukulele makers have anything right, it is the names and nicknames they give their instruments. Calling these things the "jumping flea" is a bit of self-hatred, if you ask me. I feel like I would be comfortable marketing my own line of ukuleles, since apparently ukulele players appreciate these demeaning names. Howabout the "I Sucked as a Guitarist So Now I Play the Uke" tenor, brought to you today by RivDrumDave for a special introductory price of $500 (oh they'll sell, baby). Or maybe something more modest, like the "SuckEgg" soprano or the "Sounds Like Anything But A Concert" Concert. Yeah, I know they come in different sizes. But a rose is still thorny whether the stem is three inches or ten inches. Just fewer thorns on the shorter one, and so on, except maybe in ukes the shorter ones are thornier because of the annoyance level. I can write a run-on with the best of them. Which reminds me of what I do when I hear those 4-strings a-strummed: run.

And then throw a few whacks on my new cowbell. It sounds hot.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

4thpeg=two strings too short

Through a mutual acquaintance, I was made aware of a sad little website called "The Fourth Peg" or some such nonsense. They are talking trash about yours truly, RivDrumDave. So naturally, I had to come out of hiding.

Apparently, the ukulele crowd has quite a following. Or so they think. Imagine this: an instrument made especially for people who have trouble scratching their rear ends and chewing bubble gum at the same time, and then a website dedicated to this inferior little instrument.

There is no other instrument on the planet that goes for $20, with the exception of the oft-villified Kazoo and the understated egg-shaker. At least there is no other stringed instrument that is worth a darn in that price range.

Who do these people think they are, running around, ruining lives with their $20 Hilos and Mahalos? Do they think it's cute? An extension of their manhood/womanhood? Possibly (but not the cute part).

Either way, if one spends any longer than about 30 seconds thinking about the ukulele, we are probably talking about deeply damaged people. I don't know--failed musicians, mental institution escapees, social deviants, intellectual pygmies. You get the story here.

All I have to say to the ukesters of 4thpeg/2 strings 2 short, is that it's time to wake up and smell the Hibiscus flowers. Don't go crying over your Maui onions here; try taking up some real instruments like percussion. I can out-finger-cymbal any of you any time. And don't try to tell me you're not an evil bunch--I was kicked out of a band because of a damned ukulele player, and I will have my revenge on all ukulelists.

And you can stick your GCEA where the sun don't shine!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Ukulele Will Not Change the World


The title of this little post speaks for itself. More detail to come later.

OK. It's officially later. Now look at this picture to the left.

It says all that needs to be said: toothpicks and a tupperware container.

Does that look like a musical instrument to you? Or does it look more like a big old mess? Maybe it's impressive for some peace-loving, yet backwards islanders who had never seen some imperialistic, non-peace loving Portugese travelers. But to the modern eye, it's a joke.

Don't try to tell me that you play real music on one of these. Strumming the rubber band on your morning paper would have a more musical effect, if you ask me.

So next time you pick up your little uke, keep in mind, it's only a uke. Try something real, like the finger cymbals, for a change.

I Love Drums and I HATE the UKULELE!!!!

Recently I was fired from a local area band in Riverside California. Creative differences, they say, but really a bunch of no-talent ninnies. They wouldn't know good music if they were playing it.

There's this one guy who kept trying to play ukulele of all things. Jeff or something like that. (I try not to remember.) Anyway, it was sad. I tried to take the band in new directions rhythmically, but this ukulele-ringleader-type figured out a way to oust me.

I am now looking for a new band, one in which they will not accept inferior instruments such as ukulele.